Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
