There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
