my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
