hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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