what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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