His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
