why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
