Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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