To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
