Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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