my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
