What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
