i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
