I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
