Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Sober January is a disaster.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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