3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
