fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
