I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
