Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
