mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
