If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
