I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
