My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
