Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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