By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
