I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
