I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
