you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
