What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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