I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
