Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
