You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
