I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
