Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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