the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Even my vagina gasped.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
