Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
