he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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