Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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