Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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