i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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