see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
