I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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