so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
