Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
