college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
