I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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