sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
