I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
