So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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