I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
